Cancer

Anticipatory grieving is getting prepared for a loved ones passing. | by Kimberly Manning | Oct, 2021

Anticipatory grieving is getting prepared for a loved ones passing.

It’s having flash’s of life without them and feeling the pain as if it’s current reality….. because, at some point it inevitably will be.

It’s denying, pushing away and keeping it hidden, because if the words are spoke through me, it makes it all the more real.

It’s sinking into the pain in my bathtub under the warm water where I hold myself tight through the sobs, till the literal pain in my heart and stomach subsides and I can breathe again.

It’s regret. It’s worry. It’s anger.

Its hoping for a different reality. More time. Disbelief. Denial. Truth. And, learning how to. accept. I haven’t accepted this reality, my brain knows I’m not ready, and it’s protecting me.

It’s worrying about the rest of the family and how they are coping, feeling guilty as I haven’t been able to show up for them, unable to care, tend and be there for anyone but myself and my children.

It’s wishing and hoping at this moment in time I wasn’t alone. That I had a supportive, caring and loving partner whom I’ve always wanted. One who could hold me in the dark of the night, and reassure me that it will all be ok.

That I won’t be alone in my darkness.

Because, I don’t want to do this part of the journey.

I’m scared of the darkness this will leave, and if I will get lost in it.

It will destroy pieces of me, and parts of who I am, I will crumble.

It’s telling myself with conviction that I will be strong enough to put myself back together on my own.

It’s processing with my Therapist.

I’m not ready. My heart is raw, my soul is brimming with words I want to speak and yet don’t know how to formulate them into how I truly feel.

Ignoring it will not make it go away. It’s learning to dive into the pain when it shows up, abandoning a half filled cart at the grocery store, pulling over on the side of the road when overcome with emotions, learning to talk about it, and admitting… I’m not ok.

I’m. Not. Ok.

The pain is real. The fear is real. My heart is broken knowing that time is now my enemy.

This is pre grieving. This is knowing that someone you love is terminally ill.


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