Mental Health

Becoming myself: Healing from Toxic Connections | by Chastity W | Oct, 2021

I’m annoyed with myself. I’m annoyed because I really allowed this one person to have a tight hold on me. This person really had me thinking that he cared about me and he really wanted to be in my life but it was all just a facade. Every time I get into contact with this person the same thing happens. It never fails. We get in contact, words get tossed back & forth, feelings get involved, then it ends. We have been on and off for about 2 years now. But this time was the last time I go thru this cycle with this person. I just can’t see myself feeling some type of way over someone who doesn’t respect my feelings. That’s not who I am anymore. I’m not that same insecure, not knowing my worth, hurt, having a low self esteem, fragile girl anymore. That girl was easy to manipulate. But the woman I am now isn’t gonna let that slide like I used to. I’ve developed very strong boundaries now and I know what I want when it comes to who and what I allow in my life.

I feel like women who know who they are and know their worth are intimidating to men because men are so used to women who aren’t secure within themselves and will continue to let men disrespect them just to not be alone but me? Nah. I’d rather be alone than to allow a man to have me feeling any type of way negatively about myself. I’m not lowering my standards or my worth for any man just to feel wanted. I’m aware of the power that I hold and I’m not going to give it away to anyone who can’t reciprocate. If we don’t align mentally, spiritually, and emotionally there’s nothing for us to talk about.

I’m not in the business of fixing anyone. You have to approach me “fixed” already. A man can’t come to me broken and expect me to fix him. I’ve taken the time out to work on myself and become whole already. I’m not allowing another broken man to have access to me. It takes too much energy and time trying fix someone who doesn’t want to fix themselves. You can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to be helped no matter how much you try or want to help them. I had to learn that the hard way. I’ve spent way too much time and energy trying to “fix” people who didn’t wanna be fixed. Just to end up alone with nothing and hurt.

I could’ve spent that time and energy I put into that person into myself. I know what it’s like to feel like my best wasn’t good enough. And that’s something I never want to feel again. It really took s toll on my mental health and my self worth. But now that I’ve been spending some time alone and getting to know who I am as a woman, what I like and dislike, and learning from my past mistakes, it’s becoming easier to use my discernment to know who is for me and who isn’t.

It’s amazing to me to see how far I’ve come when I think about the people I have dealt with and how I’ve grown so much when it comes to knowing my worth and what I will and won’t allow. I used to accept the bare minimum from anyone because I didn’t want to be alone. Why was I so afraid to be alone with myself? I’ve been alone for over a year now and I can honestly say I have no idea why. I’m a pretty dope ass person. The more I get to know who I am, the more I fall in love with myself. Self love is one of the most important things anyone can do for themselves.

I don’t regret crossing paths with anyone who hurt me because it taught me two of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. The first lesson is; how people feel about you or treat you is a reflection of how they feel and treat themselves. The second one is; the only persons opinion that really matters is my own. Knowing these things, life has become so much easier and I’m so grateful for that.

Even though I went through what I went through, I’m grateful for the wisdom I’ve gained in those hard times. It made me who I am today and I’m very happy with the woman I’ve become and still becoming. I still have a long way to go, though. I just had to take the time out to give myself my own flowers and to say how proud I am of myself. I didn’t expect to make it this far but I did and I’m happy about that. I’m not where I want to be quite yet but I’m on my way and I can’t wait to see where I’ll end up.

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