Bottom of The Spiral. Quality of life and its’ affect on my… | by HXLIZE | Jan, 2024

Coming clean and pushing through

I told my mother the news, I’ve been dumped. I was in a catatonic state of anxiety for nearly 20 hours because today is Her birthday. I’m a bit better now. I told her happy birthday, she didnt respond. That’s okay, I get that she doesn’t want to talk. I don’t know if I do either right now. I had a long conversation with my mother of how abuse has manifested in her life, I am still certain this relationship wasn’t abusive. This relationship was definitely unhealthy for both of us in its’ current state. I feel the jolt of losing her has given me a lot of clarity, just not enough to be willing to discuss things yet.

My father is a kind man who also struggled with anger, it’s my job to learn from him and grow. I tell people what they believe ,a lot, instead of listening. Everything that people say to me is an attack. I let conversations go when I’m in a good mood and use them to kindle arguments when I’m in a bad mood. All things I was aware my father did in his youth, all things I neglected to look for in myself.

I was a very angry 18 year old. I cut my parents off temporarily for being Protestant, I screamed at everyone for anything. I am a big man now, in stature and mental capacity, and it is time to learn how to deescalate. I have had to be particularly sensitive to aggressive body language since my first job. A fellow cashier screamed at me to step away from her because she was in fear. She was stupid and not in danger, I needed to learn that I cannot get away with the same body language as a man that so many women are capable of.

I thought, so long as I wasn’t cussing my partner out or beating her, or standing towering over her, that my body language was acceptable in a relationship. It wasn’t, in the last few months. I need to understand that laughter and interruption are also unacceptable, in the same way swearing at a lover is.

I am still going to pursue therapy, it’s free for me and has no downside; however, I do believe I am much more equipped than I was pre-breakup, one week ago.

My mother said the way I became better from the anger was a rapid improvement in my quality of life. I was 16, still a child, alone at college for 2 years. I was malnourished and broken by those two years. When I came home, I was sexually assaulted at [Redacted Workplace] which led to me finding a new job. I decided to get 2 jobs and worked them both, happily. I started going to the gym. I quit smoking weed. I bulked slowly, over the next few years. I went to therapy. Today I face more pressure every day, financially and emotionally, from my injury and the following case that is still yet to be resolved. I will make it through, I am well nourished and have great financial support that I choose not to lean on. I neglected my emotional needs, though. I believe the stress of this situation has decreased my quality of life to such a large degree that I reverted to a younger version of my brain. It sucks to say I lost 5 years of mental growth because of a physical injury, but it will all come back in time.

I am so close to my dream life with her and a house and a future and I threw everything off track because I was too proud to admit I needed therapy.

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