Since the beginning of September when I got my diagnosis and immediate subsequent treatments, my life has been in and out of the hospital. With follow-up outpatient treatments, appointments, the whole nine yards.
Which means that my time — and subsequently my life, has been in the hands of others.
Now, anyone who knows me knows just how much of an independent person I am. I might not plan everything ahead of time (I’m normally a pretty spontaneous person when I have the chance), but I’m used to working, spending time with friends, being active and well, just living life.
Just like you.
I no longer have that luxury.
And that is a hard pill to swallow.
My life is now what is it going to take to kill cancer and survive the process. My life is now doctors and meds and making it to appointments and…
My life has become “one day at a time”.
Because plans are gone.
Because social gatherings are cancelled.
Because sleep and rest trump going out and spending time with friends.
Because everything the doctors are doing is something that is working towards saving my life — but that also means that you work around their schedules and making sure that you’re at a certain place at a certain time and you can’t be late because they have so, so many other patients that they also have to treat.
Because you learn just how many people also have cancer when you have cancer. And it’s staggering. And there’s only so many doctors with only so many schedules and so many beds in the hospital — the last one being big as I’ve encountered that there might not be a bed for you when you go to the hospital and you may have to wait for one to free up. However long that may take.
Which also means that some procedures might be put on hold because they’re waiting for a bed to free up. This has happened to me. Which is also why it is so crucial to make sure that you get to your appointments on time, if not early. To make sure that you actually get your treatments on time.
That’s Reality Number Two: Your time and your life are now in the hands of others and “one day at a time” isn’t a phrase — it’s life.