Healthy Living

Maybe I’m Too Emotional. TW:ED;DEPRESSION | by April Escarda | Sep, 2021

April Escarda

TW:ED;DEPRESSION

This week has been kind of a trainwreck. I’m not talking about one of those trainwrecks where the train kind of goes off the tracks and there’s minimal damage. I’m talking, all over the international news kind of trainwreck. I am trying to stay dedicated to my new process of elimination experiement but to be honest-NOT loving it. Recovering from my eating disorder was really, really rough. I forced myself to eat whatever sounded good so that I wasn’t starving myself. What I didn’t know back then, was that I didn’t have the HS or other skin issues I have now back then because I wasn’t eating any of my trigger foods. I mean, I wasn’t really eating ANY foods, or letting them fully digest for that matter but THAT is why this is so horrendous for me. It feels like I am starving myself all over again. It is the SAME exact feeling. That pit of my stomach “feed me” feeling like Venom gave Eddie Brock, and I just have to IGNORE IT? Like I just stopped doing to save my own life a couple years ago?

SO i’ve named my new diet Venom. Venom and I haven’t really been seeing eye to eye but I just go with the flow or else you know what will happen! I WILL EAT SOMEONE’S ENTIRE HEAD. Not really, but my poor family. They are collateral damage in the Venom Diet storm. I finally got hold of a Naturopathic provider and my appointment is next week. Thank GOD. I can’t wait for them to look over my results and put together some kind of nutrition plan for me bc what I am doing just isn’t working.

I’ve resorted to drinking more leftover Herbalife, because nothing in it is inflammatory that I’m aware of, and eating lots of chicken, with carrots, pita bread and cashews. Did you know onions are in almost everything? I mean things I thought I could have, I can’t have due to onions. However, I did read somewhere that it’s possible that if you COOK the items you are allergic to, specifically vegetables, it changes the structure of them and then perhaps they are consumable with minimal effect. I am interested in trying this, but I wont be able to do that until later on in the elimination when i’m ready to start adding things back in. So first I will add back in cooked, then add back in uncooked and see if there is something I can discern between the two. God i’m so tired of fucking CHICKEN. I am so tired. of . Chicken. I mean I think I am so tired of chicken I could fight it through the city like Peter Griffin does. FUCK YOU CHICKEN! Just kidding, that was Venom, and he’s an angry parasite. (DON’T TELL HIM I SAID SO…We all know he HATES that.)

Aside from Venom making me want to throw myself head first into oncoming traffic, things are also not going well at all with anything else, besides my marriage, which is at it’s highest point yet. Bless my sweet wife. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. I was so tired tonight of eating the same crap and I just didn’t want to drink another meal, so she was like I can go get you a wendy’s chicken sandwhich. This sounds insane for a diet, but as long as it’s the classic chicken, mayo only, I’ve actually not had anything inflammatory. So I REJOICED… until I got a text from her from the driveway that our truck battery is dead. Now keep in mind, my convertible battery is also dead so this was a devastating blow. I really wanted that sandwhich. So I totally lost it and started crying. This was a hard day, death in the family, youngest daughter hormones, oldest child (she’s a they now) hormones, Venom, hard math problems and where is my best friend? Not reading this blog I bet. If you are, my bad, it felt like you weren’t following my blog, my wedding or my life in general. Let’s work on that if you have the time.

Running short on money, time, energy and patience for the world. I’m once again paying for a space in a salon that I can’t afford, because I over zealously thought things would be different this time. COME ON?! When will I learn?! Here’s something I tell myself frequently —

The Universe, or God, (whichever you choose to believe) will have things happen exactly as they should. If things are too hard, and too many hurdles stand in your way, it was simply not meant to be.

So this is where I am yet again with my career. You know what I am really great at and comes easy to me? Being a mom. Being a caretaker. Being a wife. Writing, when I can find the motivation and depression doesn’t overcome me like a ring wraith in the night. Researching. Reading. I love these things, these are easy for me, they come naturally and God never gets in my way when I try to do these things. So what is my purpose? It can’t be hair, because regardless how much I bring to the table, or how positive I am, or how much marketing I pay for, success just isn’t there waiting for me on the other side. Where do I go from here?

Cheers to tomorrow, where hopefully I am bestowed with more patience and less hopelessness. And if anyone knows a nice non-denominational church in the Phoenix area (will travel to Scottsdale,Paradise Valley, and Glendale for the right fit)with a killer music program AND that accepts that I love my wife for LIFE, drop a comment below. I am on the hunt.

xoxo


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