I don’t know if I’ll ever have the words to describe the past few months. My limbs ache. My soul aches. I never imagined that things could change so quickly, that those you thought were, were not.
Violating a child is cowardly. It’s an ultimate act of betrayal, fueled by selfishness, greed, and a cruel sense of entitlement. The doer of an act so obscene.
How dare you deny a child their innocence? Their safety. Security. How dare you.
Recently, I’ve been experiencing ongoing health struggles, exhausted from a strenuous, taxing race against a lifetime of trauma. Although I can’t seem to put down Miss America By Day, I also know that I’m enthralled and expectedly triggered due to the stunned realization that I’m not alone. There’s someone else who’s been through what I’ve been through — Whose felt what I feel. I’m not crazy.
But that also means, it really happened. I can’t believe it. I don’t know how to believe it.
Experiencing violation at such a frequency in a state of absolute helplessness would make the most sound man mad. I will never tolerate debate over disclosure of such a stigmatized and gutwrenching experience of terror. Shame on you.
If you are a survivor of the ugliest word in the English language, I’m so sorry.
I know it makes you shake at night — Does it whip you awake in a pool of wet too? Do you feel it in your bones? A never-ending darkness? Sometimes I feel so heavy — So engulfed by this pain; by these memories.
I wrap myself in my scarf and pull really tight. If I close my eyes, then I’m in my love’s arms. I am comforted, I am loved — Will we ever know this?
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever recover. If it is ever really possible to truly recover from such an invasion? I don’t know, I’m definitely still figuring it out.
I’m not too sure what this blog is going to be, but I hope it will be an outlet. One day, I hope that my soul rests in the security of serenity. I pray for a tomorrow of inner peace and an unwavering reclaiming of worthiness. I hope you come along with me on this journey.