Healthy Living

The 10 Wellmandments: Radical New Public Health Measures Being Introduced In Scotland | by Jaxx Sullivan | Sep, 2021

The Scottish Government is introducing a range of public health measures to save lives and protect the NHS. In a bold move by the devolved parliament, the ‘10 Wellmandments’ are perhaps the world’s most innovative solutions to the problems being experienced in Scotland.

Scotland is well known for having high rates of cancer, diabetes, and heart disease with obesity, smoking, alcohol, poor diet, lack of exercise and, poverty being an underlying cause of all of these issues.

According to the British Heart Foundation, heart disease accounts for 29% (17,000 each year) of all Scottish deaths, that’s nearly 3 in 10 deaths every year.

In Scotland 1 in 2 people will get cancer in their lifetime, an increase over the last 20 years. In 2018 6.8%, of deaths in Scotland were a result of lung cancer. And at the end of the same year, almost 300,000 people in Scotland were living with Diabetes.

The suicide rate in Scotland is also something the Scottish Government wants to solve and they have recognised that this is a symptom of a much bigger societal issue.

Other dangers to life have also been considered and included in the 10 Wellmandments.

The First Minister wants to put an end to as many unnecessary deaths that are preventable, and many of which are putting a strain on the NHS and staff.

A spokesperson for the Scottish Government panel who devised the new public health measures, Asif T. Heycare, said,

“This is a really exciting time for us here in Scotland. We want to stamp out or flatten down the escalating deaths from deadly diseases and other risks. After a lot of talking, we realised the way to do that was to put health at the top of our agenda. So that’s exactly what the 10 Wellmandments does. We really are in this together, this is our life, and we want to make life as happy, healthy and worry-free for everyone who lives in Scotland.”

  1. Over the Shoulder Sugar Soldiers (OSSS’s). An army of good soldiers will be deployed to patrol the aisles of any retail outlet that sells sugary food and drink, including alcohol. The OSSS will approach people and advise them of the dangers of eating too much sugar, offer them alternatives and question them about their lifestyle habits. They will particularly target people who are already overweight and vulnerable.
  2. Scales at checkouts, restaurant entrances and drive-throughs. AI scales will be installed on the floors or underground of all food-based businesses at the checkouts, restaurant entrances and in drive-throughs. The machines will use personal data to detect and assess each person’s health and weight, and the health of their family if appropriate. This data will then be used to set the price each person will pay for their food. The more healthy a person is, the less they will pay for all food. Unhealthy people will pay more for junk food and less for healthy food, as an incentive to choose better.
  3. Heart rate chips. A mass chipping programme will be introduced inviting all Scots to have a chip inserted into their underarm. The chip is perfectly safe and will be used to gather data on heart rate. Every person in Scotland must register an increased heart rate daily to show that they are complying with the minimum 60 minutes of exercise.
  4. The MADAM Pill. The revolutionary MADAM pill is a suppository developed by a group of university students that will eradicate depression, anxiety, and fear. This is a ‘game-changer’ for mental health and we are mandating that every 3 months Scots will need to visit their local GP, bend over and take the new pill.
  5. Smoke at home. Save Lives. Smokers and vapers will not be allowed to smoke anywhere except in the comfort of their own home. All smokers and vapers will need to wear an armband, to identify them as smokers so that they can be stopped and searched to make sure they have no smoking apparatus on their person.
  6. Social media maximum exposure time. Social media is addictive and studies are showing that it is having a detrimental effect on mental health. We will be placing a maximum daily exposure limit on social media, using technology to track your usage on your mobile and desktop and cutting off access after one hour or one combined hour.
  7. Closure of all Scottish airports and flying ban. All Scot’s airports will be closed and passports must be surrendered. Plane crashes have a 100% mortality rate and the Scottish Government does not want to take even the slightest risk of anyone in Scotland dying in a plane crash.
  8. Train speeds set at 40mph. For added security, all trains will have a maximum speed of 40mph. This will allow the driver to stop in the event of any persons being on the track.
  9. 20mph driving limit on all Scottish roads. To reduce the number of deaths on Scottish roads, there is a maximum speed limit of 20mph.
  10. Car idling. To reduce respiratory illnesses like asthma and COPD, and to further the laws already in place, we will be issuing £10,000 fines to drivers issued by Idle Wardens.

The new measures will be introduced gradually between the 1st of October and 24th of December.

Stay conscious

Jaxx

For the removal of any doubt, this is of course, satire.


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